I'm no longer the girl who laid her
heart
[ Broken and Bleeding ]
at your feet.
And there are more
-many more-
important things in my life now
than a man.
It’s hard to run from a feeling that haunts you every now and then.
It’s painful to tell your that you don’t need it.
You keep on pretending that you are better to be alone when in fact you feel so empty.
But why take chances if you see no hope?
Why try if there’s nothing to win for?
Sometimes, it pays to wait. Never hurry.
Let infatuation die a natural death and give birth to true love when it’s time.
A person once said to me
“what’s the difference between being a boyfriend or just being a friend?”
to which i replied, as a friend because there are no expectations between you in regards to acting in certain ways, you are able to talk about anything and everything unrestricted. Total and honest communication. As a boyfriend, [depending on the boyfriend], there are certain topics which seem to be off limits. It’s funny because; doesn’t it seem more logical to be friends with someone if that were the case?
The way i see it, as friends there is open and honest communication, nothing is off limits- talk of ex boyfriends, past experiences, current and future expectations, etc. The ideal image of a relationship and how a boyfriend should be would be an extension of that friendship. Furthering that friendship by engaging into a relationship with someone, should not mean that all of a sudden topics, things and modes of behavior become restricted but rather, your understanding as friends is so intense that things stay the same, or develop into something better.
So which side of the fence is it better to sit on?
And just to complicate things even more, what happens when you finally find someone who doesn’t restrict you, who has an understanding of the same ideals that you do, and seems near perfect in every respect? Do you come to a realization that this is exactly everything you hoped for and that this IS what a relationship should be like? A relationship not tainted by insecurities and dishonesty.
So what happens when the perfect person comes along, who you gave your complete and utter trust to, and you find out that they weren’t the person you thought they were [quite melodramatic but go with it?]
Is it worse than the boyfriend who restricted you? Since there wasn’t much to lose anyway. You knew from the beginning that he was like that and you give him credit for being honest with his actions
OR
Is it worse being the friend that you trusted with all aspects of your life and who you thought treated you with the same respect but in fact didn’t in the end? And not until your attention was called to it, did the issue come into existence.
I hate it when people say things about you which aren’t true. There’s nothing I can do about it. And you know you can never stop people from doing it but it still gets to you. The worse part about these things is when the things that have been said could have very well transpired but didn’t…
It’s like breaking up with someone for cheating when they actually never did. But the fact that they had a history of cheating or the fact that it was supported by the view of others made it a lot easier to believe and a lot more difficult to internalize the actual truth. Yes it’s ridiculous but its human nature to believe the things which are less obscure to believe.
Sometimes in those situations, since people (regardless of what they say) have already made up their mind about what happened or about you, you’d wish that since they were going to talk about you anyway, you might as well have done something worth talking about it. But that’s the hurt talking… at the end of the day, the people who know you best will also know the truth.
Whatever the reasons for the initial gossip will never ever matter. No matter how close you get to a person or think you know a person, very rarely will you find out the complete truth. In the end it’s about ’self’ and not being willing to admit or see the bad things in ourselves.
No one likes to be introspective.
And since no-one ever knows, the end result is what we see and is what is difficult to erase from the minds of others. If friendships are destroyed… then they weren’t that strong to begin with. Regardless of saying you believe someone or not, internally you’ve already made a choice.
The hardest thing is life is not to be judgmental… Which is an epic fail since within 3secs of meeting a person you have already summed up your opinion of them. Everyone is guilty of that. But actively trying is the hardest part.
Likewise, the other thing is being honest. In life there are certain people you will be completely and utterly honest to, whether it’s good, bad, disgusting etc. But you tell these people knowing that they’ll still love you for you. This doesn’t mean you’re lying to everyone else, it just means you share less detail. I don’t know what it is within me- but whether it’s bad or good I try to tell things as they are because even if it’s not peaches and cream, hopefully the person listening wont disown you for it.
Sometimes that’s a bad thing. Well for me anyways. Apparently I’d make a shit lawyer because I find it difficult to lie or obscure the truth. ha-ha! But also because people can take advantage of you (also a lesson I learnt the hard way a while back)… With being honest comes being trusting and when you’re too trusting you can easily get screwed over…
Anyways, whatever the situation this blog is all the time I’m exerting on it… people have alwayyyys said to me “don’t bother… don’t let it get to you… you care too much.. it doesn’t matter what other people think… if you know the truth then you’re the one who will have to deal with it- good or bad”
It’s true. I do care. I do let things get to me. And I know for a fact things like this get to other people- they just don’t voice it/show it. Probably a smarter thing to do too. But this is my flaw. And now you know if you already didn’t.